19 February 2024 -- Boise, ID

You know, when I first started on Fedi, I noticed a few posts that would pop
up here and there about ableist language, what it looks like, how one should
avoid it etc.  I didn't take all the advice to heart because if I'm being
honest I've forgot most of what those posts would have even said.

But it did get me thinking about that thought process in my head "oh yeah hmm
theres a large amount of language used that comes directly from ableism, is
hould avoid using that"

At first I wasn't exactly sure what _was_ and _wasn't_ ableist language, but
I found out really quickly that like 95% of insults used as "common slang"
was just ableist language, so I stopped using a lot of those insults.

It got to the point where when I looked up a word to see the word's history
and find out if i could use it or not, I just went "wait why am i even doing
this, whats the point in insulting someone/thing to begin with?" and I'd
realized that by cutting down on all that, it fundamentally changed the way
how I saw myself in comparison to other folks and things, and also changed
the way how I communicate with this world.

For the better.

The only thing I'm dealing with now is just how frustrating and infuriating
it is to see how the rest of the world still does all this.  I never get
into fights with anybody because of this, I intentionally reel myself back
in, and hold that feeling to myself because I don't want to just spend all my
energy all the time ever always on fighting over something like this ...

Buuutt it does eat away at me to not talk about it and say "rahhhhh this
sucks, its so easy to think about what youre saying before you say it, and if
you cant do that them shut up shut up shuttuppppp"

Like I see all these little things all the time, and it makes me get really
antsy and angry in a way that I can't really deal with at the moment, besides
Withdrawing From Interacting And Communicating With That Person Or That Thing
-- it gets really lonely reeaaaallllly quickly, especially cause I don't give
myself space or friends to talk abt it.

Maybe the bigger issue on that last bit is really how I frame my friendships!
The more I think about it, the more it feels:

- like i dont talk with my friends online, instead i
- communicate in good conversation with people ive met online

Like,,, Layla, gosh girl u rlly need 2 allow urself 2 develop real trust with
others.  U got this deer I believe in u.