01 January 2024 -- Boise, ID

[I'm preëmptively gonna just aggregate all the bad-mental-health entries of
the first few months of 2024 into This One Entry.  The timestamp isn't
entirely accurate sure, but who's really counting.  Lol.  Plus it gets
really annoying to read back-to-back-to-back-to-back posts about How
Depressed I Am, I'm sure.  Hopefully it's a little easier to parse this way.]

ive been so burned out on everyhing i do and i barely do anynthjng, i m
nauseeous all the time and tireed and hungry andnnot hungry i hagevnt been
able to sleep properly in montjs, i keep strugglugn wih eating right and
hygiene and physucal activity and i cant do anyn of this i cant do it im so
fucking ttired so compelety incapable sos compeltely fuckig incapable

im neverr goingnto get out of here i cnat fuckig do this anymore why cnat i
just get it over with

i keep seeing things out of direct view and hearjng things kn other rooms

i can barely think and realize km somewhere completely different than i was
hours ago with no idea how i got there

there are some music groups that i have avoided, either for intentional
reasons or because im lazy and havent bothered to check them out or whatever
other reason

thjs one person i know is very obsessed wiyh a particular group ive never
really known much about, but ive avoided listening to them because ive heard
bits and pieces from them here and there and so i do know what their music
sounds like.  but im trying to be nice to people and want to let them talk
about what makes em happy yknow.  also cause theyre a young kid and i dont
want to decimate something that makes them happy.  it wouldve ruined me at
that age, when i had nothing

yeah especially cause this person i know is like, literally a fourteen year
old, friend of a friend kind of deal [at the time i was moderating a discord
server, and its not exactly my most favorite thing jm the world to do].  and
i really want them to be able to grow into a good person and all that kind of
thing

so i ask em "if u could summarize the most impactful or meaningful thing
about [the music group they really like] to u, what would it be?"  and they
just say "two words" and send a screenshot of a song from them, so i listen
to it.  its alright, not really my thing but not terrible.  i ask them how
they perform it live, they send me a vid of them doing it live

vocalist opens the show with "i wrote this song after i caught somebody
fucking my little sister!"  he goes on further but i literally stopped the
vid there cause i had no idea thats what the song was about and i cant
fucking do that

went back to the younger kid and explained this, but they replied "hes
lying, hes fucking lying i swear" thoroughly confused i ask "but why" and
the kid says "because its funny"

as a csa survivor myself its not funny, its really not fuvking funny, it
really isnt

im juts getting triggered by everything these days

i dont want to do anyhig i dont wwant to talk to anybody iim always scared
anngry hurting hurtinf hurtinf tired scared svared

aa_aAaa_aaaaaa

in a really terrible mood today, its like everything is getting under my
nerves so hard.  i just wanna scream so loudly

even putting this into this entry is making me want to cry.  i cant do any of
this shit cant i

i was kind of mindlessly playimg guitar and singing really really quietly,
only realized afterwards that i was really talking to myseld about the
thiughts and feelings on my last relationship

i put those things away so hard and never give myself any space to let myself
heal the more i think about it

"i wanted to be someone, to be quite whole.  but you wanted me to be nothing
but an image, a reflection of what you deemed healthy or happy or whole.  i
lost someone with goals, i know."

hhhgnnhhh hhhgg i keep hearing roomatess yelling and shouting and its rrally
triggering me

anxiety levels thruough the roof lately, i think its because sleep shedule
has been fubar'd again :c